Thursday, July 6, 2017

I Don't Get Me!

I do not "get" it.

I honestly do not understand it - I do not clearly understand myself. Why do I do the stupid things that I do? Why don't I do all the awesome stuff I want to do?

I really want to do good (to do all the good I can, whenever I can, wherever I can), but I don't seem to be able to. All these horrible things that I can see in other people, these things that I rightly and self-righteously judge to be wrong, these are the things I turn around and hypocritically do myself? I just hate it when that happens! Don't you?

I'm a crook: a liar; a cheat; a killer; an abuser; an idolater; a world-class sinner. The dark-side that lies within me may shape what I do or do not do, but it is not who I am. It does not define me as a Child of Light. 

True goodness is not something hiding in a forgotten recess of my mind that I can drag up, or something lost that I can pull out from a dark corner of my soul. I can desire to be good all I want, try really really hard to be goody-goody, but I can not force it to happen by simply following rules, or reading self-help books, or by trying to do everything the Bible says. In my humanity, I don't do the good stuff that I think I should be doing or even that I want to be doing; I do the things that I damn-well know are evil - the horrible things that I don't want to be doing! Sometimes, it seems like I can't help myself. I pity myself. 

I forget to forgive myself - it is not I that do this bad crap, it is the Bad Dude hiding within me that does it. It is a rule-of-thumb that I have seen, the harder I try to make myself be a good person, the worse of a person I am! Blindly following the rules does not help me nearly as much as it did when I was a child.

We love Law and Order: God's Law; the laws of nature; the laws of man. But, all these laws are at war with each other within my organs - my pituitary gland has a running-battle with my frontal lobe. I am a POW of my own involuntary hormones. You should pity me as much I pity myself, for I am just a helpless victim here. Who can possibly save me from this hell?

Paul is of course being provocatively sarcastic and hyperbolically snarky in his letter to the house-churches in Rome (Rom. 7:15-25a). "If only there was someone we could turn to for help when we realize can't we can't do it by ourselves..."  

Oh, wait, there is!


According to Mark... This is not the Reader's Digest version, for it came first.  This is not an outline for others to follow, it w...